TheTalkArena.com

This piece is priceless. I don’t know that I’ve read this young lady previously, but I shall certainly read her in the future. Kudos to you, Ms. Kristina Goetz.

What’s that ? A few excerpts ? Why of course, dearhearts:

Welcome to Oxford, East Coast Media Elite. I’m sure your advance sheet included tidbits about William Faulkner, cotton fields and Ole Miss football.

But here are a few things I’m quite sure were left off your crib notes. Consider them survival tips while you’re visiting us down South.

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The pace is slower here. The more agitated you get, the funnier Southerners think it is. Some people will drag their feet just to irritate you. So smile, take a breath and know that it’ll get done eventually.

How to get what you want: Being Jon Stewart will not help you. Neither will your entourage. Don’t holler or throw a fit. Stop and chat with people while you’re in line. Make nice.

And know that the guy in the pickup who waves at you is just being neighborly. He may very well know that you’re Anderson Cooper, but he doesn’t care. That highfalutin’ suit doesn’t impress him. As far as he’s concerned, you put your pants on the same way he does.

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If you hear somebody say, “Bless your heart” it’s not a good thing. It’s our way of saying whatever we want about you and having it be completely mannerly and acceptable. As in “Bless their hearts, those ECME [East Coast Media Elite] don’t know any better.”

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We aren’t interested in how backward you think we are. If you can’t keep it to yourself, stay home.

Alternatively, don’t fake the Southern accent. And don’t say “Y’all.” It’s insulting and patronizing, and you’ll look like a fool. We don’t try to talk like Brooklynites when we visit the borough. You’ll look like a stupid Yankee, and if you’re not careful, somebody’s liable to tell you so, bless your heart.

A note about food: Nary a bagel will be found, much less with lox on it. And, honey, we don’t eat a whole lotta tofu. If you ask the waitress she’ll probably say, “Bless your heart, but sweetie, we don’t have that.” You’re better off ordering the bacon, biscuits and barbecue. You can get back to that raw food mess when you get home, thankyouverymuch.

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We have three drinks in the South. Sweet tea. Coke. And depending where you’re situated, Jack Daniels or Maker’s Mark. Pick one, and take it straight.

House wine is not wine. It’s tea. And “tea” down South is sugary sweet and on ice. Also, we drink Coke. Not Pepsi, not pop, not soda. This means Coke, Diet Coke, Mountain Dew, 7UP — it’s all Coke.

Ok, so I bq’d almost the entire thing. I couldn’t resist. My hat is off again to Ms. Kristina Goetz, who as her bio tag states, is “a devoted Southerner born in Kentucky, has a master’s degree in journalism from Columbia University in New York, bless her heart.” Ha !